You’ve probably seen most of the gems on this list,
But check just in case. I found I’d missed out on a lot of these internet sensations, though I felt the ripples they caused. The Evolution of Dance in particular tickled me.
Did anyone like the stand-up files? o,O Am I just…that unfunny?
You know, since I stopped paying much attention to LJ, I obviously miss a lot of my friends’ news. I wish you could prioritize posts with a 1-5 scale, 1 being a ‘what I ate for breakfast’ post, 3 being ‘I got a new pet’ and 5 being ‘I broke up with him/her/them/it, and I just took a whole bottle of Madlax, goodbye cruel world!’
Then I could filter out the breakfast posts (not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with those) and just get the skinny on how folks are doing.
Lucid Dreaming Success #1
I read in an article recently that the key to lucid dreaming is to perform ‘reality checks’ throughout the day. The habit is supposed to continue into sleep, so you’ll be able to catch when you’re dreaming and take control.
I pinched myself, and at the same time, saw some text on my wristwatch. I glanced away, and when I looked back the text had changed: one of the signs you are indeed dreaming.
The article warns not to get too excited when you learn you’re dreaming. Too excited, and you’ll wake up. So I damped down my enthusiasm and tried to guide the dream.
…It was hard! I might as well have been a noob to the Matrix, trying to warp reality. I could do it, but it took a lot of concentration, and the dream resisted me every step of the way. I ended up getting pulled over by the cops, and didn’t have my license on me. I wasn’t arrested or ticketed, but I did have to walk home. There were pegasuses (Pegasii?) at one point briefly, but they dissolved into the ether before I got to ride one, and I couldn’t summon them back.
I thought it might be fun to write an entry intended to bring Googlers to my LJ. If that doesn’t interest you, http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/colorcareercounselor.aspx actually proved surprisingly accurate for me.
Obama eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and dies! Government is covering it up by claiming the president is cleaning out the white house’s basement.
Michael Phelps not only smokes pot, he’s an alien! He can reconfigure the structure of his skin to repel water, commercial offers, and hard drugs that actually matter!
The Star Trek movie’s cast has mutinied, stolen the film’s print, and eaten it.
Conan O’Brien’s wife is the true mastermind behind the Ponzi scheme attributed to Madoff. Secret deep-throat sources (huh-huh-hyuk) suggest Madoff was blackmailed by the dazzling Mrs. O’Brien into taking the fall for her crumbled pyramid scheme.
Circuit City failed because 95% of its employees were cult members and never came to work. Their cult centered around the worship of unshielded microwave ovens. While many cultists are burned and blistered constantly for their beliefs, they claim their worship services are still safer than using a cellphone. Medical experts had to reluctantly agree.
Obama’s stimulus package is stimulating many already! It turns out that the word ‘stimulus’ carries such powerful sexual connotations that many couples head right for the bedroom after watching the evening news. Some watch the 11 o’clock news as well and go for a second round. We may be looking at another baby boom folks, bad news for an economy short on jobs.
Exploding vibrators! Popular sex toy maker Doc Johnson has recalled their entire 2009 line of vibrators, dildos, ass-ticklers, butt-plugs, masturbatory sleeves, anal beads, Fun Foam speculums, and Rimulator automatic ass-licking machines. Faulty batteries supplied with these devices may cause them to explode, turning rectums into trumpets, vaginas into tossed salad, and cocks into starfish.