Tag Archives: humor

CERN sabotaged by John Connor

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/biology_evolution/article6879293.ece

A new theory put forth by respected scientists (respected up until now anyways) posits that the Higgs boson may be ‘abhorrent to nature,’ and time distortion waves are rippling back from the point in time when the particle is finally created to stop the process that eventually creates it. Or in a nutshell, God hates it.

I find this simultaneously hilarious and awesome. If it’s true, it throws a little wonder back into reality, because science this freakin’ weird is indistinguishable from magic. :K)

John Hammond pointed out that when the first Disney theme park opened, nothing worked. Ian Malcom retorted that, ‘Yes John, but when the Pirates of the Caribbean break down, the pirates don’t collapse into a black hole and destroy the solar system.’

Hot Sauce Story

Elly pointed this out to me today, http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article6860067.ece

Here’s a quote, “The pain started out mildly, but I knew from past experience that this would build to a delightful fiery sensation. I was even looking forward to it. But the moment soon passed. In a matter of seconds I was in agony. After maybe a minute I was frightened that I might die. After five I was frightened that I might not.”

I got three words for you.

Hobo sandbox game.

Your house was foreclosed on. Your fiance left you. You lost your job at the dealership. Now you’re on the streets…and you’re pissed.

Unlock a variety of outfits, including frayed plaid, indeterminately-hued tweed, and garbage bag poncho.

Earn rep through sammich-fights, can collecting, and windshield-cleaning. Use your rep to stake out a pad, from the humble park bench to the coveted abandoned minibus.

Face increasingly difficult enemies! Mumbly vets are harmless alone, but watch out when they swarm. You’ll have to be lightning quick to dodge the crack-fueled attacks of the addict!

Fear the police. Once you’ve gotten more than three move-alongs, they’ll bring in the K-9 units.

Beat out your fellow hobos to become king of the streets and score that sweet posh job at the Y, scrubbing floors.

My attempt to get googled

I thought it might be fun to write an entry intended to bring Googlers to my LJ. If that doesn’t interest you, http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/colorcareercounselor.aspx actually proved surprisingly accurate for me.

Obama eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and dies! Government is covering it up by claiming the president is cleaning out the white house’s basement.

Michael Phelps not only smokes pot, he’s an alien! He can reconfigure the structure of his skin to repel water, commercial offers, and hard drugs that actually matter!

The Star Trek movie’s cast has mutinied, stolen the film’s print, and eaten it.

Conan O’Brien’s wife is the true mastermind behind the Ponzi scheme attributed to Madoff. Secret deep-throat sources (huh-huh-hyuk) suggest Madoff was blackmailed by the dazzling Mrs. O’Brien into taking the fall for her crumbled pyramid scheme.

Circuit City failed because 95% of its employees were cult members and never came to work. Their cult centered around the worship of unshielded microwave ovens. While many cultists are burned and blistered constantly for their beliefs, they claim their worship services are still safer than using a cellphone. Medical experts had to reluctantly agree.

Obama’s stimulus package is stimulating many already! It turns out that the word ‘stimulus’ carries such powerful sexual connotations that many couples head right for the bedroom after watching the evening news. Some watch the 11 o’clock news as well and go for a second round. We may be looking at another baby boom folks, bad news for an economy short on jobs.

Exploding vibrators! Popular sex toy maker Doc Johnson has recalled their entire 2009 line of vibrators, dildos, ass-ticklers, butt-plugs, masturbatory sleeves, anal beads, Fun Foam speculums, and Rimulator automatic ass-licking machines. Faulty batteries supplied with these devices may cause them to explode, turning rectums into trumpets, vaginas into tossed salad, and cocks into starfish.